Yet another demi post.
Now that I’ve had time to think about this more calmly, here are my thoughts on the recent ace/demi debacle.
I understand and accept that, when you choose to belong to a community, you have to take responsibility not only for your own actions and words, but for those of the community as a whole. Such is the case with feminism, with its large history of discrimination towards POC and trans* folk.
I understand and accept that, when you belong to a privileged group, you have to be aware of it, and check it accordingly - even when your group is only comparatively privileged, or you also belong to another, less privileged group.
As such, I apologize for those demis and aces who try to appropriate words that don’t belong to our community, for those that refer dismissively the pain of sexual rape victims, for those that claim hetero asexuals receive the systematic oppression that LGBTs do. They are wrong, and I will make sure they know it if and when I see them talking like this.
As to the word “queer”, I feel it’s a complicated subject. I don’t use it, because I can see that it hurts/offends people who are more entitled to it. However, I do understand that it is a word that signifies a deviance from the sexual norm, and, since this is a relatively new and small community, we don’t currently have a better term of our own. As such, claims of appropriation may be valid (probably are valid), but fail to consider both nuances in the word itself, and the reality of the asexual community. I’m not condoning the use of the word, but I do ask that you stop and wonder, “Is this person saying anything that hurts me, that aims to erase my identity?” If the answer is yes, by all means call them out on it.
Which brings me to the next point. Erasure is never acceptable. Not ever. It’s bullying, plain and simple, and there’s never any excuse for it. There’s a big difference between saying “You are wrong and being a dick because of this and this” and saying “You are wrong because what you claim to be isn’t real.” You don’t get to tell people that their identities don’t exist. You don’t get to compare legitimate minorities with groups that claim they’re discriminated against because they don’t belong to a minority. You don’t get to reduce and dismiss a whole group because a few of its members are horrid and offensive. You don’t get to lash out against an ally who’s logically and reasonably pointing these things out, calling them names and erasing their identities in the process. This is bullying. Having been hurt doesn’t give you license to hurt others yourself.
